The Cerne Abbas Giant: A Mini-Essay

     The Cerne Abbas Giant in Dorset, England, is one of Britain’s many hill figures. An impressive 180 feet long from the tip of his club to the base of his feet, the image, akin to its peers, was cut into the steep hillside as a geoglyph meant to be seen from afar.[1] Nude and yielding a knobby club in his right hand, the Cerne Abbas Giant’s most arresting feature is his thirty-six-foot erect penis, which continues to draw attention from both locals and tourists and postcard depictions of his likeness are purportedly the only pornographic images permitted to be carried and delivered by the Royal Mail.[2] Like most hill figures, the origins of the Cerne Abbas Giant have been lost over the course of time; however, scholars propose two possible reasons for its creation: the first hypothesizes the massive carving is an image of Hercules and was crafted in the second century C.E. in honor of Emperor Commodus, who believed himself to be the reincarnation of the fabled warrior; the second, drawing from the facts that the phallus aligns directly with the rising sun on the first of May and May Day festivities were known to be celebrated on the hill, conjectures the etching is associated with fertility rituals, which has prompted some couples to consummate their relationship in the space between his thighs.[3]

Works Referenced

Jones, Richard. Myths and Legends of Britain and Ireland. New York: Barnes and Noble Books, 2003. 

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[1] Jones, 26-27.

[2] Jones, 26-27.

[3] Jones, 26-27.

Heart Cloche

$30 - $40 (based on 2020 prices)

Makes one display

 

2020’s mad scientist theme gave me the chance to create some bizarre experiments for my eccentric doctor. This heart cloche, in turn, was one of them, utilizing old hardware and ample amounts of blood to fabricate an odd industrial prop which gained a lot of praise from visitors.

• One plastic cloche with detachable base and handle (roughly twelve inches tall)
• One plastic heart large enough to fit within the cloche
• One 10 oz. can of interior/exterior, fast-drying spray paint in metallic copper
• One 10 oz. can of interior/exterior, fast-drying spray high gloss coating
• One 2 oz. bottle of acrylic paint in flat black*
• One 2 oz. bottle of acrylic paint in grasshopper*
• One 2 oz. bottle of acrylic paint in hunter green*
• One 2 oz. bottle of acrylic paint in olive*
• One 2 oz. bottle of acrylic paint in orange spice*
• One 2 oz. bottle of acrylic paint in flat red*
• One 2 oz. bottle of acrylic paint in surf blue*
• One 3/16” wooden dowel
• One blank pieces of 8” x 11.5” copy paper
• At least four tablespoons of black tea (e.g. Darjeeling, Earl Gary, English Breakfast, etc.)
• One pan large enough to soak the copy paper
• One 4 oz. bottle of all-purpose tacky glue*
• One 0.3 fluid ounce bottle of red food coloring*
• One 4 oz. bottle of clear, all-purpose tacky glue gel*
• A random assortment of bolts, nuts, screws, springs, and washers
• One 8 oz. can of oil-based interior wood stain in Jacobean*

1. Disassemble the cloche and, on a newspaper-lined surface in a well-ventilated area, apply an even coat of metallic copper spray paint to the base and handle. Although I only used one coat, you may want more depending on your desired coverage. Keep in mind, though, that this is the base coat and much of the copper will be covered by the other paints.

2. Begin the aged patina by building up layers of green paint: grasshopper, hunter green, and olive. You want the metal to appear oxidized, so focus your application on the areas that would be exposed to the elements and work from dark to light. I found that applying small amounts of paint to a stippling sponge and patting it lightly on the surface works best. You may want to practice on a piece of cardboard first, though.

3. Complete the aged patina by applying a light speckling of orange spice and surf blue to the surface. Akin to step two, use a stippling sponge for this application and keep its coverage to a minimum. You want the colors to accent the oxidization and not be too overpowering. Also, give the base and handle a flecking of black paint. You can do this by either quickly flicking a paintbrush or using an old toothbrush and strumming your finger across the bristles. Since this process flings paint everywhere, it’s best to perform it outside.

4. Measure and mark the center of the base, use a 15/64 drill bit to make a hole, insert the dowel into the opening, and repeat the painting process in steps one, two, and three. It may prove more efficient, though, to perform this step fist and then paint the entire base at once.

5. Boil enough water to completely submerge the copy paper and pour it into the pan. Add the tea. The longer you allow the tea to brew, the darker the stain will become. Likewise, greater amounts of tea will produce a richer stain. I found that a combination of English and Irish Breakfast brewed for over ten minutes produces a nice, deep brown. Submerge the paper into the tea mixture and soak it until it reaches the color you desire. I soaked mine for eight hours and scattered the loose-leaf tea over the top of the paper to add spots. Remove the paper from the water and allow it to dry.

6. Once the paper has dried, trace the outline of the base onto the sheet, cut it out, and glue it in place. To make the paper appear even more decrepit, crinkle it and create holes before adhering it to the base.

7. Beginning with a base coat of black, build up layers of red paint to give the heart a more lifelike appearance, especially if the version you bought was cheap and poorly painted.

8. On a newspaper-lined surface in a well-ventilated area, give the heart two coats of high gloss coating to make it appear wet. This will help make the item appear more realistic.

9. Use a 15/64 drill bit to make a hole in the bottom of the heart and use the opening to position the organ on the dowel. Depending on the height of the cloche, you may need to adjust the heart’s position so it properly fits under the enclosure.

10. Detail the heart with a random assortment of bolts, screws, and washers. For a sturdier hold, use superglue. Also, to ensure the prop fits under the cloche, you may need to position certain pieces, cover the prop with the cloche, and make readjustments as needed.

11. In a plastic container (because the food coloring will stain, use something disposable or that you won’t mind dying), pour in your desired amount of clear glue gel and slowly add red food coloring to the solution until it achieves the sanguine hue you desire. To give the blood further density, add blue food coloring and mix well.

12. On a newspaper-lined surface, apply the blood glue to the base and heart. You can use an old spoon or plastic utensil to dribble the liquid or pour it haphazardly for a gory mess. Try to cover as much of the heart’s surface with the glue to make the organ appear even more lifelike.

13. If you have any remaining bolts, screws, or springs, utilize these items to adorn the base and give the prop extra visual interest.

14. On a newspaper-lined surface in a well-ventilated area, paint the cloche with the wood stain. I discovered that applying a thin coat and patting it with paper towels produces a hazed appearance. Likewise, brushing the rim with a swift downward motion creates the illusion of grime buildup.

15. Reattach the handle to the cloche and then reattach the cloche to its base. If you plan for a more permanent display, you can glue the item down.

*You will not use the entire bottle’s content for this project.

"When I Set Out for Lyonnesse" (A Poem)

The legend of Lyonnesse, a fabled land off the Cornish coast which sank below the sea in ancient times, has been the inspiration for multiple works of art, from Thomas Hardy’s poem “When I Set Out for Lyonnesse” (1870) to Don Marquis’ play Out of the Sea (1927).[1] While countless artists, Marquis among them, utilize the myth as a haunting fantasy (in Out of the Sea, for instance, residents of a coastal community hear the ghostly sounds of Lyonnesse’s drowned victims), Hardy uses the mythical tale as a metaphor for love, with the narrator venturing off to Lyonnesse (love’s unknown reaches) and returning with magic.[2]

When I set out for Lyonnesse,

A hundred miles away,

The rime was on the spray,

And starlight lit my lonesomeness

When I set out for Lyonnesse

A hundred miles away.

 

What would bechance at Lyonnesse

While I should sojourn there

No prophet durst declare,

Nor did the wisest wizard guess

What would bechance at Lyonnesse

While I should sojourn there.

 

When I returned from Lyonnesse

With magic in my eyes,

All marked with mute surmise

My radiance rare and fathomless,

When I returned from Lyonnesse

With magic in my eyes.[3]

 

Works Referenced

 

Hardy, Thomas. “When I Set Out for Lyonnesse.” The Poetical Works of Thomas Hardy. Vol. 1. London: Macmillan and Company, 1920. 293-294.

 

Lupack, Alan. “Acting Out an Old Story: Twentieth-Century Tristan Plays.” Popular Arthurian Traditions. Ed. Sally K. Slocum. Bowling Green, OH: Bowling Green State University Popular Press, 1992. 162-172.

 

Patil, Mallikarjun. Thomas Hardy, The Poet: A Critical Study. New Delhi: Atlantic Publishers and Distributors, 1997. 

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[1] Lupack, 170.

[2] Patil, 38.

[3] Hardy, 293-294.

Oddity Museum Sign

$20 - $30 (based on 2019 prices)

Makes one sign

 

I fashioned this sign to adorn the entrance to Dr. Victor’s Oddity Museum, which was part of 2019’s twisted carnival theme. I wanted something to reflect the eclectic nature of the display, with its shrunken heads and mummified mermaids, so I detailed the prop with a variety of random items, from doll parts to tarot cards.

• One 20” x 30” foam board
• One yard of burlap
• A random assortment of patches in varying colors and sizes
• Three to four yards of brown twine
• One 10 oz. can of interior/exterior, fast-drying spray paint in flat black
• One 10 oz. can of interior/exterior, fast-drying spray paint in flat brown*
• One package of two-inch letterboard letters
• One 2 oz. bottle of acrylic paint in brown*
• One 2 oz. bottle of acrylic paint in gray*
• One 2 oz. bottle of acrylic paint in white*
• One 4 oz. bottle of all-purpose tacky glue*
• Seven plastic centipedes
• Two severed fingers (learn how to make them here)
• Two doll limbs
• One rat skull
• One tarot card
• One 0.3 fluid ounce bottle of red food coloring*
• One 4 oz. bottle of clear, all-purpose tacky glue gel*
• One yard of steel wire

1. Trim the burlap to 22” x 32”, sew patches randomly to its surface, stretch the cloth across the foam board, and glue it in place. I found it works best to glue one side to serve as an anchor and then work the fabric from there, ensuring the surface is as smooth as possible. Although I gave myself a one-inch border to work with, you may want to leave additional fabric to give you more leeway.

2. Using a darning needle, thread the twine along the outer edges of the board. Since the fabric is already attached to the foam, this will give the illusion that it is haphazardly sewn on. You want the needlework to look messy and uneven, giving the sign a disheveled appearance.

3. On a newspaper-lined surface in a well-ventilated area, dust the sign’s surface with black and brown spray paint to give it a cohesive level of age. You want to create the illusion of dirt, so a random application is best. I found that holding the can roughly twelve inches away from the sign and making quick passes produced the finest results.

4. On a newspaper-lined surface in a well-ventilated area, give the letterboard letters an even coat of black spray paint. Although I only used one coat, you may want more depending on your desired coverage. Keep in mind, though, this is the base coat and much of the paint will be covered up by other colors. Once the paint has dried, give the letters an aged patina by gently brushing brown, gray, and white paint over their surfaces. Try not to overthink your application. A random pattern is ideal.

5. Arrange the letters on the board and glue them in place. It might work best to pre-position everything on the board to determine their desired placement before permanently affixing them.

6. Detail the sign with a random collection of doll parts, insects, rat skulls, severed fingers, and tarot cards, using superglue and twine to attach them. The menagerie can be easily altered to modify the prop for your specific needs, so do not feel limited to the items I chose for my version.

7. In a plastic container (because the food coloring will stain, use something disposable or that you won’t mind dying), pour in your desired amount of clear glue gel and slowly add red food coloring to the solution until it achieves the sanguine hue you desire. To give the blood further density, add blue food coloring and mix well.

8. On a newspaper-lined surface, apply the blood glue to the sign to accent the severed fingers. You can use an old spoon or plastic utensil to dribble the liquid around the stump or pour it haphazardly for a gory mess.

9. Use steel wire to create a hanging loop and attach it to the back of the sign.

10. Because of its versatile nature, the sign can be enhanced with a variety of details, from aged bones and voodoo beads to rotten teeth and severed ears, to make it unique to your display.

*You will not use the entire bottle’s content for this project.